The Love/Hate Relationship Between A D.I.D System And Our Body.

Trigger Warning - Eating Disorders, including pictures

We talk about an alter in this post who suffers with Bulimia. Any rude or hurtful comments will be deleted.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is not an easy disorder to live with. Even on good days, the co-morbid disorders that are paired with D.I.D, make every day a struggle. Complex Post Traumatic Stress disorder is a common co-morbid disorder that you will hear about a lot in the D.I.D community, but there are multiple others. One that affects me and my system heavily, are eating disorder.

I, the main front, have been diagnosed with anorexia, an eating disorder that causes people to obsess about their weight and what they eat.

This all started in high school. In the later years of primary school, I maintained a pretty decent weight. Probably still a bit underweight, but not at all unhealthy. I spent a lot of time in primary school playing sports with my friends, and running around a lot, but I also ate regularly at school, and my parents always made sure us kids had enough to eat, both at school and at home. I wasn't an overly picky eater, so I would often eat dinner that was provided, and always had a snack after school.

Me, all dressed up for my year

seven (7) graduation

Once I got to high school, I started understanding my trauma from my early childhood. I started being sexualised by boys at my school, which had happened at my primary school, although I didn't necessarily understand what the boys had meant at the time. At first I just tried covering my body more. I had my older brothers hand me down shirts, which were too big for me, which helped already, but I started wearing leggings with my school skirts, even when it was warmer weather, although this did not stop boys from sexualising me at a young age.

I still bought plenty of food to school, Sometimes enough to even share with some of my friends, who were less fortunate than me and didn't always have enough food for recess and lunch.

I ended up joining a friend group of some people who were not very nice. Unfortunately, throughout the years, I had always been drawn to kids with bad reputations. I made friends with kids who often caused trouble, or bullied other kids, including me. I became friends with a group of kids, who often stole from me, stealing food from my bag and eating it for themselves, leaving me with nothing. They would often take money that my mum had given me, straight from my hand, and go to the canteen and buy whatever they wanted, once again leaving me with nothing.

I was the sort of kid that didn't want to cause waves or problems, and I certainly didn't want these kids to start bullying me. (At the time, I didnt realise what they were doing was bullying me, as I thought they were my friends.) The few times that I did manage to eat something, normally something a different group of friends had made in their home economics class and wanted me to try, people would often comment on how weird was to "actually see me eating for once." This quickly made me self-concious of how I ate, or eating around other people in general. I continued to take food to school, but willingly started handing it over to the other kids, as I felt selfish if I kept it for myself. I started hating my body, thinking that maybe the other kids thought that I ate too much.

It only got worse from there.

Year 9 and 10. Two years of skipping meals and only eating small amounts of dinner

By year 11 I was completely anorexic. I didnt eat in front of people, even my own family. I would push my food around on my plate until my parents had left me alone, and then I would feed the food to my dog.

I didn't know this at the time, but I later found out that I have an alter who suffers with Bulimia.

Bulimia is an eating disorder where a person will binge and then take dangerous steps to avoid weight gain, such as purging to make themselves throw up, but they may also exercise to excess or skip meals.

Once my parents were in bed, I would switch with an alter who struggles with her weight inside. She would binge eat what she could find, and then another alter, who's name is Kheelan, would burge all that food by making us throw up.

Around June of 2017, after a few days of having a stomach bug that made me throw up, I passed out and had multiple seizures. My mum called my dad and they rushed me to the hospital, as I was still struggling to remain completely concious. At the hospital, the doctors weighed me and my family was shocked to find out that I weighed approximately 32.6KG.

The doctors were shocked that I could even stand on my own, and quickly got me too a bit. They gave me IV fluids, and bought me some food. My sugars were also extremly low, which wasn't a surprise given my weight. My doctors told me I needed to change, or I would end up extremly sick.

I thought I had it under control. It wasn't until I saw the numbers on the scale that I realised how bad it got. I realised that I couldn't handle my weight being over 40KG, and I would starve myself until I was back under that number.

Year 11, when my anorexia was at its worst.

I started trying to eat better with the help of my family and a little help from my doctor. I struggled to eat but tried to keep food down. It took me a long time, and my doctor informed me that my stomach was less than half the size it should be.

By year 12, I was nowhere near where I needed to be, but I had made some progress, and had taken small steps. I had started eating small amounts at school with the help and encouragment from teachers and I was slowly putting some weight back on. I was dancing a lot in my spare time which helped me stay fit, but I was regularly eating small snacks as a full meal was often too much for me.

1st Image is the beginning of Year 12. 2nd Image is a year later

This bring us to now. During high school, I didn't know I had a system.

Over the years i have struggled with my weight, but in the past twelve (12) months of so, I started noticing a rapid weight gain. I haven't checked my weight in numbers since I was at the hospital, although my Aunt weighed me shortly after highschool and told me the number was 48KG, which had me spiraling for days and I struggled to eat.

As I am sure many of you are aware, the Five Nights At Freddys movie is set to be released in cinemas this Thursday (26th October 2023) I am a huge Five Nights At Freddys fan and have been organising to go see this movie since it was announced that the film was finally being released earlier this year. I was planning to disney bound as Foxy, and even ordered custom ears to match from an Australian small business.

I ordered clothes to wear, which were going to be a pair of black jeans, and a red plaid shirt that I would wear underneath a black corset belt. I was going to dye my hair red, and do my makeup in red and black.

For the last few months, I have been having some sort of allergic reaction to something, and my right eye has been getting really red. I did a test run of my makeup, and afterwards, my eyes was burning, as the makeup had irritated the already sensative skin, which then burnt for an extra three days after. My mum told me not to wear makeup and I reluctantly agreed. I was upset, but I knew I had my ears, my outfit and I was still excited to go and see the movie with my friends and siblings.

Sunday night (22nd October 2023) I decided to try on my outfit. I wanted to see how it looked and if it needed anything more or less.

My heart sank when I realised that it didn't fit me the way I had hoped. I tried to ignore the dread in my stomach, and realised I had multiple back up plans just in case I didn't like the clothes I had picked.

I had the burgandy dress (which is in the photo above) that I could wear with black leggings and a black jacket or coat. If I didn't like that, I had a black dress, and some red plaid leggings that would fit together well.

I tried both of my backup outfits on, and neither fit. I was devistated and I burst into tears. I barely slept that night, and I struggled emotionally for the entire next day. My mum tried several different solutions, but nothing worked. I outgrew a lot of my old clothes, and that left me and my teenage alters struggling. I struggled to see myself in the mirror and not see how I've gained weight in my stomach. I struggled to ignore the fact that my thighs rub together and that my cheeks have gotten fuller in the last eighteen months. I struggled with the way I looked and I felt us all struggling, wondering if we really were as big as we felt. I know I am not overweight. I am the healthiest weight I have been in a long time, but to me, I am a lot bigger than I was, and I fear how people see me. I hate that I no longer fit in clothing that made me feel beautiful. I hate that I couldn't wear what I had planned to for the movie. I could feel myself going into an anxiety spiral, where I would cancel my plans and stay at home. I couldn't wear the makeup I wanted, and I couldn't wear the clothes that I wanted.

This may not seem like a big thing, I had other clothes, and I didn't need to wear makeup to go to a movie. I know I didn't need these things to enjoy the night with my friends, but as someone who has been through a lot of trauma, and potentially has ADHD and is on the autism spectrum, I find it difficult when things don't go the way I planned. Remember, I have been planning this evening for months. I wanted to feel pretty and good about myself, and I felt that all my plans just fell apart. I felt like because I have D.I.D. I wasn't allowed to enjoy a night out. My trauma told me that I didn't deserve to feel pretty or have a nice night out with my friends. I was reminded that I am someone who is traumatised, and I often feel like I have to show that all the time. That if I am not sad and crying or shaking, then people will not believe me when I say I am struggling.

Something as simple as wanting to enjoy a night out with friends seems impossible to someone like me, who's brain often tells me I can either be happy and have no one believe me, or be sad and not live a life at all.

I understand that I am not the only one who lives in this body, and that causes a lot of problems in the way we see ourselves. We feel we are out of proportion to our size. Littlies often feel too bed, while the men in the my system who are often over six (6) feet tall, often feel short and weak. Some feel thinner while others feel bigger. It causes a lot of body dysmorphia for us all, and this causes many problems, which may seem simple and insignificant to others. Mirrors often trigger us into feeling uncomfortable when we look at ourselves for too long, and sometimes we wear clothes that don't feel like they're ours. Sometimes we want to wear tutus instead of jeans, and sometimes we want to wear sweatpants instead of skirts, not just because of style choice, but because we fell as if we are wearing someone else's identity. Some on else's skin.

This is me now in 2023. I know I am a much healthier weight than before, but please understand this is hard for me. Even though the progression has been slow over six (6) years, I still care about the number on the scale, and food is still a large challenge for me. Eating around new people makes me incredibly anxious, and my teenage alters still struggle with their eating disorders every day. Some days are easier than other, but every day is a fight.

Eating disorders are a very real and deadly thing. I didn't realise how in danger I was until it was almost too late. If you struggle with your mental health, or feel you may have an eating disorder, please reach out to your doctors, a trusted loved one, or a mental health helpline.

Butterfly is a great organisation that helps a lot of people around Australia get the help that they need. Do not hesitate to contact them if you or a loved one needs help.

Butterfly Foundation

I See You. I Hear You. I Love You. You are worth getting the help you need, and you are worth fighting for. Even on your bad days.