Christmas as a D.I.D System

As a child, Christmas was one of my favourite holidays. I loved running to the loungeroom and seeing all the presents. I loved bouncing on my parents bed to wake them up. I loved the smell of ham and cheese croissants filling our home in the morning.

I didn’t like being rushed out the door to visit our extended family. I didn’t like that Christmas was one of the most hectic days of the year, where neither of my parents seemed to catch a break.

I didn’t like that I got the most expensive gifts, or the most attention.

Some people may find that last line odd. Why wouldn’t a child, especially one who’s family couldn’t afford expensive things, not enjoy expensive gifts and loads of attention?

Well, I’ll tell you why.

Those gifts, and that affection, came at a cost.

My parents treated me and my siblings equally. They always tried to stick to a budget, but always ensured us children got equal amounts spent on us. There was a lot of pressure on them to reach this standard of gifts, and there was a lot of judgement from our school friends, if we didn’t return to school to show off fancy gadgets.

My abusers always bought me the best of everything. When I was young, he bought all my brothers little trinket gifts, while I got purses and stereos for in my bedroom, toys and gifts that were well over the budget of what my parents could afford for all four of us kids, but these toys were never truly mine.

My abuser often used these items, not as gifts that were freely given, but as something that I must pay for. A debt that I never asked for. He would buy me things, and then tell me that I had to pay him back, one way or another.Whenever I did something wrong, he would take these gifts away, even going as far as destroying them or throwing them in the bin right in front of me.

Now, Christmas has become a bit triggering for me. I enjoy being able to give gifts and spoil those that I love, and small token gifts are easy to accept, but my family can now afford more than we did when we were younger. We are in no way rich, and can not afford to spend hundreds of dollars on each of us kids, but we can now afford more than when I was young,  and especially since we are older, we no longer asks for such trivial things like smaller toys. Some of our wants are a bit more expensive than our taste when we were little, but we also understand money a lot more now, and we understand what is acceptable to ask for, and what we should save up for ourselves.

Being a D.I.D system makes things a little trickier.

If my family could, they would give every alter I had their own body, so they could all experience Christmas on their own. They would ensure everyone felt accepted and that everyone understood that whatever was gifted to them, was gifted freely. My parents were not aware of what my abuser was doing, and if they did, they never would have let it happen.

I have spent the last few years trying to ensure that those in my system knew that Christmas, although a bit scary for us all, is a time where we can have fun, enjoy some family time, and be safe with one another.

My parents have met many littlies in my system, and are aware of eleven (11) of them that would like to celebrate Christmas with us this year.

To start with, everyone gets to make their own Christmas bauble at home. They can fill it with glitter, fabric, cover it in stickers, basically are free to decorate it however they wish. On the first of December, the tree gets put up, and the littlies get to put on decorations that they have made and painted. They wrap the tree in lights, decorations, and anything else they wish to put up.

The christmas tree, all decorated and ready for Santa!

Everyone gets an advent calendar, but since we only have one body, it might give me a stomach ache to eat eleven (11) chocolates every night.

What we do, is we buy three separate advent calendars.

We buy one that four (4) of the girls pick out, this year they picked barbie.

Because one of my little boys have an allergic reaction to peanuts, where he breaks out in a rash, we find a peanut free advent calendar for him and three (3) of his friends, this year, they have a kinder advent calendar.

We also have one more advent calendar, for two (2) littlies from a different group, and they chose a Cadbury advent calendar.

We have one littlie, who is obsessed with Care bears, so instead of chocolate, we got her a Care bears Ooshie advent calendar, which she excitedly tried to rip open all the doors when she saw it.

A few days later after putting the tree up, we decided to make some Christmas cookies, although they aren’t traditionally Christmas. We made dinosaur shapes and decorated them instead. We spent the day before, preparing the sugar cookie dough, and then cut it out and had them rest in the fridge. We cooked them and then let them cool overnight.

The next day, the decorated them in icing, and spent hours having fun.

The process in which my littlies and mum worked together to make sugar cookies to later decorate!

On Christmas, we plan for the littlies to be able to spend the morning with the family, as Christmas morning is a huge trigger, as there is lots of excitement from seeing Santa snacks that have been eaten, and the reindeer’s carrots and water has been drunk. They get excited to see all the presents under the tree, but they’re most excited to give out the presents that they have bought over the last few weeks, as they spent all year this year saving up money from “containers for change” to be able to afford some things for everyone in the family.

One of my littlies has been having a lot of fun making foam hand soap for some family and friends!

Normally, by lunch time, they sit down and have crossiants and we end up having a nap after switching, which often makes me feel sick and dizzy after spending the morning rapid switching through so many littlies. Thankfully, my brothers understand, and am happy to wait for me to be back on my feet before we continue handing out gifts.We spend the rest of the day snacking and just trying to have a good time together.

I have to say that December is definitely the busiest time of year for me, and it’s the time of year where I am most drained. It is tiring having multiple small children so excited for the holidays, and not necessarily understanding how much time has passed, so it can be a bit upsetting for them when they thing a few days has passed and its nearly Christmas, when in reality, it’s just been a few hours.

With the help of my therapist, I have been working on better communicating with my alters, and we have tried to come up with a plan, although sometimes, things don’t go how we think they might, or how we plan. We are trying to come up with more of a schedule, and I’m trying to find ways for my alters to better understand my plans for the day, so that I can do what I need to do to afford things, run a small business, and just get some “me” time.

For example, this post has taken me four days to write, as the last four days have been filled with vet visits, Christmas activities, and one of my little ones birthday.I hope you all enjoy the holidays and I will try to update more. Unfortunately the last few months have been really hectic leading up to Christmas, but we’re working on getting back there.

I See You, I Hear You, I Love You.