Illyria has crossed the rainbow bridge

I don't even know how to write this. I don't even want to write this. My hands are shaking and I can feel the tightness in my chest. I wish I had written about her more. Taken a hundred more photos, shared a thousand more stories, but I just didn't. I didn't because I thought i'd have forever. I thought she would stay with me. Stay with us.

On Saturday the 6th of April 2024, Illyria went downhill. Fast.

She had been walking funny, well, more funny than usual, over the last few days, but she had been jumping around so we thought maybe her leg muscles were just inflamed, but Saturday night she just collapsed.

She alerted me twice that she needed to go outside, whimpering and barking at me from beside my bed. So I got up and took her outside. The first time, she did her business and went straight back to bed without a fuss. I tried offering her a treat, which I normally do if she has told me she needs to go out during the night, but she turned her head away, which was so strange for her. If you know anything about Illyria, you would know she would do just about anything for food. I thought, or maybe it was more a hope, that she was just being fussy, so I took the biscuits back, and got her a dentalstix, which were her favourite. I only snapped off half, so it wasn't too much, but even that she turned away from and just lay her head down. I instantly felt nauseous, but I pushed that down and told myself that maybe she had just eaten a sock and it was upsetting her stomach, as she often did enjoy a crusty socky snack.

A few minutes later, I heard the rumbling of her stomach before she vomitted. Not a lot, but enough to cause concern. Again, I told myself she probably just ate something that hadn't agreed with her, and I went through the whole day, trying to think of what could have made her sick as I cleaned it up. Once I had cleaned up my floor, my rug and Illyrias paws, I lay back in bed, and listened hoping that she would fall asleep. A few moments later, she alerted me again, so I took her back outside where she went to the bathroom again. She came back inside, but stopped a little bit inside the back door, and she didn't look right. She threw up twice more and then went outside, which I sort of expected. Previously when Illyria has been sick, she often took herself outside, and she would be very upset, worried that we would tell her off. We often told her to get outside, hoping we could get her to throw up outside instead of in the house, but we think she misunderstood and thought we were angry as we often said this in a panic.

She lay down outside, and she was done. She wouldn't get up. Wouldn't move. I got my younger brother to get my mum, and after she couldn't get Illyria to move, even after we tried lifting her and getting her to stand on her own, which she just lay straight back down, we got my dad, who helped us carry her inside. I gathered my things to sleep on the couch beside her and watch over her all night, getting only a few hours sleep as I constantly woke to check her, everytime she breathed too loud, or made any kind of sound, I was up and by her side. She threw up once more during the night.

In the morning, she still hadn't moved and I knew she was done. We spent the whole morning with her, patting her, comforting her, and letting my littlies say goodbye. We all cried, and begged Illyria to move. She tried to get up multiple times but she just couldn't.

It was horrible. She went from being fine to just collapsing. She had been fine all of Sunday, demanding attention from my partner and I, and shadowing my family wherever we went, doing her normal everyday Illyria things, and then she just couldn't anymore. At 11:40 am on Sunday the 7th of April, she died in my arms. She fought, and I held her head in my hands and my mum pat her body, and we told her she could let go. She had done enough and it was time for peace. No more pain. No more sadness. She could go, and she did.

We checked for a heartbeat or breathing multiple times, but she was gone.

I lay beside her for three hours before a call out vet was able to come and collect her. We had an appointment with a call out vet booked for 2pm, but she decided to go on her own. We didn't want to stress her out by taking her to our regular vet, as the car often stressed her out, and she never liked going to the vet, so she stayed at home until the vet came and got her. The call out vet was lovely and so respectful. She craddled her with care and wrapped her in a warm fluffy blanket that she would have loved to roll around on.

The pit in my chest is so large, and the silence in the house is deafening. No more pita pata of her nails on the floor. No more barking when the doorbell rings. No more toys squeaking. I was feeding my lizards this morning, cutting up cucumber for in their bowls, and I turned to give Illyria a piece as I always did, expecting to see her happy face and waggy tail beside me, and to turn and see that I was alone, was a knife to my heart. I don't know how I will get through this. The silence echoes through our house like a silent scream of agony. Illyria had been in my life since I was ten, and in all my 23 years of life, I have never lived in the house without a dog in it somewhere. Illyria really did take a huge part of me with her when she left, and I really hope to see her again one day. Illyria, I hope you are at peace. You were my bestest fur-end, and I don't think I would have made it to 23 years old without you. You were the safest place in the whole world, and I would give anything to smell your stinky breath just one more time as you tried to lick my tears away.

I will do everything to fight my way back to you one day, but for now, I hope you can see me trying. I hope you are proud of me, just as I have been, and will always be, so proud of you. Thank you for the last 13 and a half years where you have been by my side every step of the way. You were honestly the greatest dog anyone could have ever hoped for. I love you so much, and I always will.

R.I.P My Beautiful Girl. We all love you xx